so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize