Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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