OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
