Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
