And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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