I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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