Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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