Princesses don't give blow jobs
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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