We named our party play list daddy issues
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
