Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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