i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
