im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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