so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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