My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
