Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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