can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
True but thats because hes a fetus.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
