i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
