i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize