In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
