Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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