His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
