i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
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morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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