i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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