Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
