I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
