His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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