if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Boobs are out for the taking
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
