what day is it and did you see me today?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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