i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
