He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
