If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
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you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
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His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying