I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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