Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
