i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
