god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
