i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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