Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
