I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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