Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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