my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
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Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm determined to sit on that face.