then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
