Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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