it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
