i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my shit smells like andre
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
