Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
