Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
