remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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