in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
