He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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