i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
