i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
