It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
