Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
