I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
